


A New Life

by bobasheebaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-07 21:35:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15916722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobasheebaby/pseuds/bobasheebaby
Summary: Can you make your love for John Winchester work?





	1. Chapter 1

_I don't know where I'm goin'_   
_But I sure know where I've been_   
_Hanging_ _on the promises in songs of yesterday_   
_An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time_   
_Here I go again, here I go again_

_Tho' I keep searching for an answer_  
_I never seem to find what I'm looking for_  
 _Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on_  
 _'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams_  
 _Here I go again on my own_

I sat dismayed, in tears, I don’t know how I constantly ended up in the same place with the hunter I’ve come to love. It was like I was cursed to love him and never be with him, we worked, but only for so long. Eventually I’d want more than he could give, it would always end up in a huge fight, with him storming out the door, but somehow he would come running back to my arms. This round and round was something I’ve gotten used to over the years, but I don’t think I can let myself repeat the cycle anymore. I would spend weeks alone and trying to get past him, and once I finally think I might be able to he’d be back on my doorstep.  
I would let him in, I always let him in, I love him too much to turn him away, the question is does he, could he ever love me too? From the start I knew not to get attached, he still loved his wife, he couldn’t possibly love me too while he was hung up on her. Oh how I tried not to fall, but it was so easy to fall for the dark haired hunter. I thought I could help him heal, help him with his boys, but it didn’t seem meant to be. He would always love her.  
I prayed time and time again that somehow this time would be different, that he could love me back. Every time he ended up on my doorstep I thought it might be different, why else would he come to me. It would always be the same, he’d show up on my doorstep, hanging his head, his salt and pepper beard longer than the last time you saw him, sadness and heartache written in his hazel eyes. I couldn’t do it again, I refused to get sucked back in. As much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him to love me back, I knew I needed to move on.

 _Tell me how am supposed to live without you_  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
How am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been livin 'for is gone

 _I didn't come here for cryin'_  
Didn't come here to breakdown  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
And how can I blame you  
When I build my world around  
The hope that one day we'd be so much  
More than friends  
And I don't wanna know the price I'm  
Gonna pay for dreaming  
When even now it's more than I can take

I made up my mind, the hardest decision I ever would make, to finally just walk away and not let him back in. I spent so much time loving him, hoping he’d love me too, even with my decision I wasn’t quite sure how I could ever move on from him. I loved him more than anyone I ever had, sure things weren’t easy, sure he was still hung up on his wife, but couldn’t I just learn to be second best?  
No, I knew the truth then, just as I always would, I would never be okay being second best. I needed more, I needed his heart, and he would never be able to give it to me. So here I lay, broken and crying, trying desperately to figure out how to live without the man I love more than life.  
I blocked his number, just incase he tried to call, I needed to learn how to live without him. Loving was so damn easy, living without him was goddamn impossible. Everywhere I looked in my home I saw a memory, how could I live without him? How could I ever move on? I boxed up my things, and moved, it’s was the only way to get over him. I couldn’t stay in all the memories.

 _The miles just keep rollin'_  
As the people leave their way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

 _I'm here without you baby_  
But you're still on my lonely mind.  
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight, it's only you and me.

 _Everything I know, and anywhere I go,_  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.  
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done.  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love.

I put hundreds of miles between myself and my old home, I couldn’t risk him finding me. Alone, at night in my bed, he found me just the same. He plagued my dreams, he was always on my mind no matter how hard I tried to erase the past. It didn’t seem like I could ever get away from him, not really. I was hopelessly in love with him, and no matter how far I went he plagued me. He was a drug, and I couldn’t get clean.  
I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to stop crying myself to sleep, to stop needing him. It didn’t seem like I could ever get over him, like I could ever forget his touch. I wanted nothing more to erase him from my mind, but like love can be fickle, fate is a cruel mistress. Weeks after we fought, and I said enough of our never ending cycle, in my brand new life, hundreds of miles away from my old one I got the shock of my life. I was doing this on my own now, but I always would have, John wouldn’t have stayed. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get over him now, but there was no going back now.

***  
John’s POV

 _I don't know why I did the things I did_  
I don't know why I said the things I said  
Love's like a knife it can cut deep inside  
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes  
I didn't really mean to hurt you  
I didn't want to see you go  
I know I made you cry, but baby

 _If I could turn back time_  
If I could find a way  
I'd take back those words that hurt you  
And you'd stay  
If I could reach the stars  
I'd give 'em all to you  
Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do

I went back, I always went back, I loved you so much, I just couldn’t bear to tell you. I couldn’t bear to risk losing you like I lost my Mary. This time on your doorstep I got the shock of my life, you had left. You just moved, you were out of my life for good this time. I sat in my truck and I lost it, I hadn’t cried since the day I lost Mary, but I sat there and cried over you.  
I cried and begged the heavens that I could make things right. I wanted more than anything to go back in time and tell you just what you meant to me. Maybe if I had you wouldn’t have left. How could I have been such a fool, I didn’t want to lose you and I did anyway. It was all my fault, if I wasn’t so damn bullheaded and just told you how I felt you’d still be here.  
I thought about selling my damn soul to get you back, but then I’d still leave you like the selfish ass I’d been. I called all my contacts, I needed to find you, I needed to fix this, I needed to get you back.

 _Like a star guides a ship across the ocean_  
That's how your love, can take me home  
Back to you

 _And if I wish upon a star_  
Someday I'll be where you are  
And I know that day is coming soon  
Yeah, I'm coming back to you

 _You've been alone, but you did not show it_  
You've been in pain, when I did not know it  
You let me do, what I needed to  
You were there, when I needed you

 _Mighta let you down, mighta messed you round_  
But you never changed your point of view  
That's why, I'm coming back to you

I had been a damn fool to not be honest with you about my feelings for you, I should never had let you go. I checked and rechecked with every contact I knew, I drove myself crazy looking for you. I needed to make things right. I wouldn’t rest until I found you, the boys kept telling me I was crazy, let you go, you didn’t want to be found. I couldn’t believe that, I’m a stubborn old fool, and I just had to have a chance to make things right, all I needed was to find you.  
I couldn’t believe my luck when a hunt had brought me back to you. You looked sadder and more broken than I’d ever seen you, I knew it was all my damn fault, but at least I had a you in my reach, I had my chance, I just needed to get you to forgive this stubborn old fool.

_With every word and every breath I'm praying  
That's why I'm saying,_

_Please forgive me, I know not what I do_  
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you  
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through  
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do  
Babe believe it, every word I say is true  
Please forgive me, if I can't stop loving you  
No, believe me, I don't know what I do  
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you

_I can't stop, loving you_

I found you, but the battle was far from won, I still needed you to forgive me. I was more nervous than I’d been in years, how was I supposed to convince you I was worth another shot? After every time I broke your heart would you believe that things could be different?  
I stood in front of your brand new place, one you probably got to forget me, but I couldn’t let you go without trying. You opened the door, eyes wide in shock, clearly trying to figure out how I found you.  
“I was in town on a case, I saw you and had to talk to you. I messed up.” I explained before you even had a chance to ask. My hands were shoved in my pockets, I’m sure I looked like a wreck, I always did after we broke up, but this time I wasn’t staring at the ground. I needed you to know I was serious, sincere. If I was ever going to have another shot with you I needed to make you believe me.  
You crossed your arms and looked conflicted as hell, what the hell was I doing, maybe it was too late to say I’m sorry.  
“John, I left because I didn’t want to be found. I just can’t do it anymore.” You replied with tears welling up in your eyes.  
Goddamn it, I royally screwed up, how was I ever gonna earn your forgiveness?  
“I love you John, but I couldn’t love you enough for the both of us.” You said, your tears were coming freely now. God I just wanted to wipe them away from your beautiful face, but I no longer had the right.  
“Is that what you think? That I didn’t love you?” I questioned, my voice was cracking from regret. I knew your answer, you didn’t think I loved you because I was too damn stubborn to say it.  
Your face was all the answer I needed, it contorted into one of hurt and confusion. I should have just left, hell I never should have come to begin with, I messed things up way too damn much! Part of me just wanted to leave, give you the peace you wanted and deserved, but I’m a stubborn old man, I couldn’t leave until I tried to win you back. If you didn’t want me, I’d just walk away and try to forget, but damnit I had to at least try!  
“Please—just hear me out, if you don’t like what I have to say I’ll walk away and you won’t have to deal with me ever again.” I said, damnit you had me pleading, but I couldn’t walk away without trying. I was always such a damn fool, mucking everything up, but I had to try to earn your forgiveness, win you back.  
You stood stunned, probably pondering if I was worth hearing out. My heart clenched in my chest, my breath caught in my throat as I waited, hoping, silently pleading that you would give me one last chance. All I needed was one more damn chance. I’m sure my face was one of silent pleading, I needed to tell you, show you how much you always meant to me. I knew if you didn’t give me a chance I’d walk away a broken man, but I was already broken, so I had nothing left to lose.  
I’m sure my face was one of pure disbelief when you stepped aside allowing me to walk past you, how the hell did I get so damn lucky to get this final chance to plead my case? Why were you listening to me and not throwing my ass out like I know I deserved? We wouldn’t even be here if I’d just told you how I felt a long time ago.  
I followed you into your living room, a few boxes still scattered around, usually you were so organized, but everything seemed like utter chaos. God I must have hurt you worse than I thought, no wonder you moved. I raked my hand over my face, sighing to myself, this was gonna be even harder than I thought.  
I sat down on the chair across from you, you just looked at me expectantly, damnit all to hell if I didn’t know what I was doing! I just wanted to tuck tail and run, but that’s what got us here in the first place.  
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. The truth is I only pushed you away because of my own selfish needs. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to hurt you if I pushed you away, I didn’t see that I was hurting you by keeping my distance.” I said, my hands clasped together in front of me, it took all my will power to keep looking at you and not down at my hands.  
I had screwed up so damn much, I needed to make sure you understood that everything I said was the truth.  
You quirked your eyebrow, your tell when you didn’t believe a damn word coming out of my mouth. Damnit! My past was coming back to haunt me, I was never going to get you back. I just wanted to run, cut my embarrassment and leave before you could throw my stupid ass out once and for all. But you let me in, you were listening to me, maybe I had a minuscule chance. Maybe there was a shred of hope for us, I just had to prove I’d do anything I had to to make us work.

She said if we're gonna make this work  
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts  
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see  
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be  
You've gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

“John, I just don’t know if I can go through this again. I can’t be second to her anymore, I deserve to be loved first, and you’ve made it clear you just don’t love me.” You said, it was clear something heavy was hanging on your mind. I could tell by the way your voice broke that it was the hardest thing you’d ever said to me.  
I could feel my heart break into a thousand pieces at your words, the truth was you weren’t wrong, I never made you feel like you came first. I only pushed you away, I refused to tell you I loved you so neither of us would get hurt. The hell with it! I needed to put all my cards on the table, if you still didn’t want me I could handle the heartbreak, I couldn’t handle another minute of making you hurt for my own damn selfish reasons.

 _I'll do whatever it takes_  
To turn this around  
I know what's at stake  
I know that I've let you down  
And if you give me a chance  
And give me a break  
I'll keep us together

I took a shaky breath, trying to steady myself to tell you what I had been keeping from you for too damn long. I nervously rubbed my hands on my jeans, it had been forever since I said this to anyone, it scared the hell out me, I was terrified if you knew something would come after you and I’d lose you, but I’d lose you here today if I didn’t.  
“I love you. I’ve always loved you, why do you think I kept coming back to you. You were never second in my heart. I was just scared that if I admitted to myself, to you, that I would lose you just like I lost her.” I said, I never in my life had ever felt more scared or vulnerable of getting hurt. I waited with bated breath for you to respond.  
“It’s not just me I have to think about anymore.” You said as your hand went to your stomach.  
My eyes widened in pure shock, no wonder you were so hesitant to let me back in. My world was no place for a kid, I’d already proven that. I was staring trying to gather my thoughts and I could tell you were scared of my reaction, damn if I knew how to react. Could I risk them, I knew what was in this world, and that the monsters would do anything to try to get at me, could I put another child at risk?  
“You know what my world is like, the monsters I’ve seen. Can you honestly tell me you still want to be apart of that, to raise our child together?” I asked, my voice cracking, I had to do whatever it took to keep you both safe.

***  
Reader POV  
_Now, I don't want to lose you,_  
but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side.  
And I don't want to hate you,  
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.  
And I don't really matter to anyone anymore.  
But like a fool I keep losing my place and  
I keep seeing you walk through that door.  
But there's a danger in loving somebody to much,  
and it's bad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.  
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.  
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.

It didn’t matter how right this was, it hurt like hell, “no, I can’t, I cant risk them John.” I answered fighting back a sob. I wanted to tell him yes, I wanted to beg him to quit, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough, the monsters would always come. This was for the best, it just hurt like hell.  
I watched his stony face break, tears streaming down his face, I wish that would have been enough to change my mind but it could never work. I’d fear for my child’s life everyday, and I knew deep in my heart that I couldn’t live like that.  
Why did he have to finally say what I always wanted to hear? It just made it so much worse watching him walk away. I knew it broke him too, he would want to be there for his child but in the end we both knew this was the best way to keep us both safe. I just wished and prayed that love could have been enough in the end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can John stay away?

John’s POV

I'm already there  
Take a look around  
I'm the sunshine in your hair  
I'm the shadow on the ground  
I'm the whisper in the wind  
I'm your imaginary friend  
And I know I'm in your prayers  
Oh, I'm already there

I don’t know why I did it but I drove by your house, I was sure you would have moved to keep you both safe, but you didn’t, maybe you wanted me to be able to find you. I sat in the cab of my truck with tears in my eyes as I watched you pull the car seat from your car. A tiny dark haired baby asleep all bundled up in pink. My breath caught in my throat, a daughter and I had to miss everything. My heart broke more than the day you told me we had to be over for the sake of her. God I didn’t even know her name. I sat in the cab and cried at the loss of all the memories I could have shared with her, my little princess.  
I’m not even sure how long I sat there and cried, I mourned everything that could have been and never would. I knew I couldn’t be in her life but I knew I couldn’t stay away.   
I know you didn’t want anything to do with me, wanted me to stay away to keep you both safe, but I just couldn’t. The day I saw her I stopped at the store, buying a soft brown teddy bear just for her. I drove around with it in my truck for weeks, unable to get up the courage to give it to you. One night I drove past your house, I noticed a light was on, I pictured you sitting rocking our baby girl to sleep and I couldn’t help but cry. I found a scrap piece of paper jotting down a few words I folded it up and placed it in the bow. I walked to your front door step and placed it on the ground under the cloak of darkness praying the next day you’d find it.  
The next morning I watched through tear filled eyes as I watched you walk out the door, you stopped and looked around searching for me. I watched as you bent down and picked up that soft little bear, you found my sloppily scrawled note and let out a sob I couldn’t hear.   
God how I prayed that things were different, I prayed that I could be the man that you both deserved. But, I’m not, I can’t be what you both need. what kind of father would I be if I couldn’t keep her safe.  
At night I lay in bed, silent sobs falling into a dark void as I think about all of the things I’ll miss. Her first words, first steps. I won’t be able to watch her grow into the wonderful woman I know she’ll become.  
I had never prayed more in my life than I did for you and my princess. I prayed she’d be able to forgive me for not being there, I prayed that staying as far away as I could would actually keep you both safe. I even prayed that someway I could actually safely be in her life.   
I knew why I had to stay away, but I still felt like a selfish asshole leaving you to care for her all alone. It wasn’t fair to you or her, you deserved to have her father raise her by your side and she needed me in her life.

I'm the whisper in the wind  
And I'll be there until the end  
Can you feel the love that we share?  
Oh, I'm already there  
We may be a thousand miles apart  
But I'll be with you wherever you are  
I'm already there  
Take a look around  
I stayed away as much as I could, but you and my princess were always on my mind. I kept finding myself right back there staring at your house praying for a glimpse of you both. It got harder and harder to stay away, to not jump out of my truck when I’d see her, growing up without me. It hurt to be so close but yet so far, I hated that I couldn’t be what you both needed me to be.   
***  
I watched afar with a broken heart for five years, every moment apart from you getting harder and harder to be without you. I knew as I sat in my truck I was taking a huge risk but if I didn’t try I would wonder the rest of my life if maybe we could have made it work.   
I walked up to your door broken and worse for the wear than ever before. I’d let my hair and beard go, my only focus becoming hunting and making sure my princess was safe.   
You looked shocked and a little scared when you saw me on the other side of the door.   
“I know you told me to leave but I can’t, the moment I saw that little bundle of joy I fell in love. My life was no longer about me, it became about her. I know you didn’t want to be a part of my life but please I’m begging you to give me a shot, to trust in me to keep you both safe because I would rather sell my soul to the devil than have anything bring her harm. I’ve watched her grow up from afar and you’ve done a great job with her but, I can’t stay away. I want to make us a family, to be there for the small moments and the big milestones. Please look in your heart and reconsider, because without her, I have nothing to live for. Everything I am or will ever be is hers if you’ll allow me.” I said tears streaming down my face, my voice hoarse from crying.   
Somehow God heard my prayers, you opened the door to let me in as my princess came running up with her ragged teddy. She looked so much like me, my dark hair, Hazel eyes, her tiny hand clutching her well loved bear. I hesitantly walked in, not knowing what to expect, flashbacks of the last time rolling in my mind. She watched me enter with a look of wonder and was that recognition? Did she know who I was?  
She walked up to me, “mommy who’s this?” She asked as she surprised me by wrapping her small hand around my finger.   
I looked at you waiting for your answer expecting you to just say a friend. “This is your daddy, “ you said fighting back tears.  
I kneeled down to her so I was at eye level with her, before I could say anything she dropped my finger and wrapped her arms around my neck. I fought back new tears as I wrapped my arms around her, my princess.   
She pulled back and I had to fight the urge not to tighten my embrace and never let go.  
“You got me teddy. He’s my favorite stuffy and I take him everywhere.” She said as she held up the bear.  
“That’s right.” I said, a smile forming on my face you told her.  
She wrinkled her nose, “if you’re here does that mean the world is safe?” She asked tilting her head appraising me.  
I took in a sharp breath, you talked to her about me, and what I did, or whatever a five year old could understand.  
You looked at me expectantly, “as safe as it can be, I just had to see my princess.” I said cautiously.   
“Princess?” She asked scrunching her nose in displeasure , “I’m mommy’s little warrior.” She said proudly, placing her hands on her hips.  
I let out a soft chuckle, she was full of spunk, just like the boys, “Well I didn’t know that, you’ve always been my little princess to me. What if I called you my warrior princess?” I asked.   
Her eyes lit up and a smile stretched across her face, “I like that daddy.” She said her smile quickly falling from her face, “is the world is safe enough for you to come home?” She asked softly.  
Not knowing how to answer I looked to you. I would love nothing more than to come home to the both of you, to be the family you both deserve.  
You looked down at your little warrior, “baby go play so daddy and I can talk.” I held my breath in anticipation as I waited on the edge of my seat for you to speak. “John it’s not just about me anymore, if I let you back in again you can’t leave, you can’t do that to her. I want us to be a family, can you promise me you won’t leave, that this is what you want, that we’re what you want.” You said tears falling silently down your face.  
I thought about why I got into hunting in the first place, to avenge my Mary, but the demon with yellow eyes was gone, I’d stayed away as long as I had out of respect for you. I couldn’t stay away, not really, I had to keep an eye on both of you and then being apart was too much for me to bear any longer.   
All I wanted was to be a family, but I also wanted to keep you both safe. I knew the only way to ensure you were both safe was to give up hunting, or to stay away for good which would break me more than I already was, how could I leave my warrior princess after I just met her?  
“I’m not saying that I’m ready for you to move in, but I want to work on us, find out how we work as a family. Maybe come over for dinner a few nights? I know she would love to get to know you better, and me well, I never stopped loving you, but it’s going to take some time if that’s okay.” You explained, wringing your hands nervously.   
You must have been terrified that I would just walk away again since I had been silent for so long. Truth was I wasn’t sure if I could be any good for you, no matter how much I wanted to stay, I didn’t want to ruin her.   
“Daddy!” She yelled as she ran up to me, “look what I drew you!” She thrust a picture in my hand and I could have cried all over again, “it’s you, me, and mommy.” She said proudly.   
Looking at the picture she drew of the three of us together, smiling; I knew what I had to, I couldn’t leave her now, not after finally meeting her. I was prepared to give up that life for a new one.   
I bent down and picked her up, “I’m not going anywhere my warrior princess, your brothers can handle it from here.” I said, I glanced over at you and saw shock written on your face.  
Her eyes lit up, “I have brothers?” She asked.  
I nodded as I chuckled, I guess you didn’t tell her everything.   
She wrinkled her nose again, “and you’re not going anywhere? Promise?” She asked.  
“I promise, my little warrior princess.” I replied, I couldn’t leave her, hell hounds would have a tough time dragging my stubborn ass away.   
“Yay!” She exclaimed wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.   
“John, are you sure?” You asked, your voice cracked.   
Damnit, you didn’t think I could actually stay and be happy. You didn’t know how much I longed to have normal when the boys were growing up, I couldn’t give it to them, but I could give it to her.   
“I’m exactly where I want to be.” I replied.

 


	3. A New Life Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has to have a tough talk with his boys. (As always I'm delusional when it comes to John’s death.)

Reader POV  
John was more nervous than I’d ever seen him. He was telling the boys—everything. He’d hidden my pregnancy from them to ensure we stayed safe, but now that he was leaving the life, staying with Sadie and I, he needed to come clean. John was pacing the living room, he was worried about their reactions, he couldn’t decide what would shock them more, Sadie or that he was officially leaving the life.   
“John,” I said grabbing his shoulders holding him in place, “it’ll be fine they love you and they will love Sadie.”  
“Maybe I should have told them sooner.” He said shaking his head, he couldn’t stop beating himself up.  
“You were just trying to keep us safe,” I replied trying to ease his mind.   
He shook his head again, I gently pressed my hand to his cheek, “John, it will be a shock of course but they’ll understand.” I said softly, but firmly.  
Before he could respond my doorbell rang, they were here. John tensed up, “it’ll be okay John.” I stated patting his arm before going to get the door.  
Opening the door I was greeted by two shocked looking hunters, “Y/N.” Dean said in surprise, “dad said he needed help on a case.”  
I turned and scowled at John, “not exactly, come in we’ll explain.” I said stepping back to allow them in.  
I hadn’t seen Sam and Dean in years, they grew into even more handsome men than I last saw them. I could tell that just like John, years of hunting weighed heavily on them. I was engulfed into a bone crushing hug by each of the tall hunters who towered over my shorter frame.  
“What is this about then?” Sam asked releasing me.  
“Just sit down and we’ll explain.” I said leading them to the living room.   
They looked around awkwardly, trying to figure out what was going on as they hadn’t seen me in at least seven years. I hoped they wouldn’t spy one of the many photographs of Sadie hung on the walls.

John POV  
I was nervous as shit as I watched my boys sit down, I knew Dean would probably think this would never work after what happened to him with Lisa and Ben, but I had to try.   
“Dad what the hell is going on? You haven’t talked about Y/N in years, and we haven’t seen her even longer than that, so what the hell is all this about?” Dean asked, clearly confused but annoyed that I lied to him.  
I felt you stiffen next to me as Dean said I stopped talking about you, I did that because I was trying to get you off my mind, trying to keep you and Sadie safe, trying to stay away—we both know how well that worked out. I grabbed your hand and gently rubbed the back with my thumb in an effort to calm you.   
“Well…” I said rubbing my beard with my free hand, “I’ve left the life—”  
“What?! Why?” Both boys asked in unison, clearly not expecting me to admit that.   
Before I could answer Sadie came running into the room stopping when she saw her older brothers, “they’re here!” She exclaimed excitedly.  
Sam and Dean shared confused looks and I could tell they were communicating without words.  
Dean got up walking over to Sadie, he kneeled before her, “who’s this little princess?” He asked.  
I laughed as she wrinkled her nose just like she had the day I met her, my little warrior princess.  
“I’m daddy’s little warrior princess and your my brother Dean, and he’s Sammy.” Sadie answered pointing at each boy in turn.  
I chuckled to myself, well that was one way to tell them.  
Their eyes widened in shock mouths agape as they looked to me to confirm.   
I nodded, smiling as Sadie climbed up on my lap, sitting facing her brother’s.   
“Wait—what?” Dean asked trying to figure out how he missed it.   
“How old is she?” Sam questioned trying to pinpoint when there might have been signs.   
“I’m five and a half.” Sadie replied for me, I chuckled softly, she hated when people talked like she wasn’t there.   
“Wait, is that why you broke up? Did you know?” Sam asked putting the pieces together.   
“Well it’s not why we broke up, but it’s why we stayed apart.” You answered.  
“Wait—you knew and you just walked away? What the hell dad?!” Dean asked not even trying to mask his annoyance that I could walk away so easily.  
“He walked away cause I asked him to, to keep me and Sadie safe.” You replied defending me, squeezing my hand reminding me we were in this together.   
“It was the hardest thing I ever did, walking away, staying away. I kept an eye on them, and finally I couldn’t take being apart from them anymore, so I came back about five months ago to try to work things out.” I explained. “Sadie, why don’t you go draw your brother’s a picture?”I asked, knowing the conversation may get dark, wanting to shield her as much as I could.  
“Ok, daddy!” she said giving me a quick kiss on my bearded cheek before slipping off my lap and running into the other room. God that little girl stole my heart.  
“What the hell dad?! I was in purgatory and you just walk away?” Dean asked still annoyed.  
“And this is the first you tried to tell us?” Sam questioned at the same time.  
“Not like you were answering your phones Sam.” I replied, a look of guilty recognition coming over his face.  
Sam felt even guiltier than he had when Dean had come back and yelled at him for abandoning Kevin. He had tried to move on and in doing so left behind his brother and father, put Kevin in danger. He understood the pull of wanting to leave the life, wanting normal. His dad needed to try, maybe his father had a chance with you and Sadie. “I get it dad I do, but why didn’t you tell us?” Sam asked, looking around now noticing the photographs of Sadie around the room, his eyes widening when he saw a recent one of the three of us, laughing and smiling—like a family, like the type of childhood they should have had.  
I felt like I had been punched in the gut, my boys deserved that kind of life and I couldn’t give it to them, I wasn’t good enough for them, but I would try my best to be good enough for Sadie, for you. “I didn’t want to put them at more risk by you knowing, I know you wouldn’t let anything happen to them, but the more people that knew about Sadie the more likely a monster would find out and find them.”I replied, it was true—I did it to protect both of you, but I still felt like a selfish ass not telling my boys about their sister. It was Adam all over again, I kept him from them, kept him separate from the life and still the monsters found him and his mother—I just had hoped it would be different for you and our girl. But in the end my love for you, my need to be with you pulled me back I couldn’t stay away, apart, I couldn’t just be a part time dad like I had with my boys, I needed to be a full time parent and give my girl the father all my kids deserved.   
“I guess I can understand, I just wish you had trusted us to help protect them.” Sam said shaking his head, “you have given us everything we needed—taught us everything that has made us into better men. It’s Sadie’s turn dad, she needs you now.”  
“Sam’s right, Sadie deserves to have her dad in her life—I hope this works out better for you than it did for me with Lisa and Ben.” Dean stated, a pained look of regret, I knew he was thinking how badly things went for him when he tried to leave the life.   
I could tell he was concerned for me, you, his sister—hell so was I, but I knew I needed to try. Those five years and eight months we had stayed apart nearly killed me. Every time I went to sleep you plagued my thoughts, my dreams, even hunters helper couldn’t keep you and our girl off my mind. The two have you had consumed my thoughts, getting me hurt more than once on a hunt, as unsafe as I thought staying with you was, staying away was even worse for me. Maybe I was being a selfish ass for coming back, but I needed you, I needed her and she deserved to have her father in ways I was never able to give my boys. I just hoped that the monsters wouldn’t come and find me in my new life. 


End file.
